


Ground me in Madness

by ToshiChan



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 01:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9633230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: Around his wrists are two hair ties.Nagisa finds a way to ground himself amongst the madness that is his life.





	

Around his wrists are two hair ties. Backups for the ones already twisted artfully in his hair, on the off chance that they break during an assassination attempt or other parts of his day to day life. It’s such a simple, human thing to wear them around his wrists. Nobody questions it because they think they all know the answer, backups in case his break. He supposes that’s why he has them. Well, that’s the main reason anyway, the explanation for why he originally slipped them on. His hair is a way of grounding himself, as much as it can be his downfall. The short pigtails brush gently against the skin of his face, but never further down. When his mum tugs it out, screaming and spitting insults, everything goes blank. The way his hair caverns his face, it’s suffocating. She may like it, twist it in her fingers, croon softly in his ears that he’s such a beautiful girl, but all it does to him is push him just that bit closer to the tipping point. 

He’d started wearing them around his wrists about a week after Kayano had tied his hair into the two bunches and proudly proclaimed that they matched. One of his had snapped, old and worn since they were originally Kayano’s and had been used often, and he’d been forced to wear his hair in the low ponytail again, too shy to ask anyone for a spare. The way it had tickled the back of his neck had left him shaky all day. When he returned home, his mum had snapped the other one in a fit of rage, tugging him over to the mirror to arrange it artfully in order to match the pretty dress she’d bought for him that day. She stroked the back of his neck gently. 

“Such a beautiful girl you are Nagisa,” she’d said softly and his entire body shivered.

He went out later that night when she’d fallen asleep and bought a whole packet of simple black hair ties. He’d tied it up the next morning before school and then, after consideration, slipped one around each wrist. He wasn’t going to risk the others breaking and leaving him stranded in a wave of utter despair. 

He’s so used to them by now that the red marks they leave behind don’t bother him. They’re tight, squeezing him like a snake, but it’s comforting in a way. Besides, no grip could be as strong as his mother’s as she drags him over to that wardrobe. With their tightness comes the other reason for wearing the hair ties. On bad days he’ll pull at them, let them snap back against his skin with a quiet twang that alerts nobody. It grounds him, reminds him that he’s still alive, that he’s still Nagisa Shiota and nobody, not even his mother, can change that. The deep grooves fade eventually but they existed and that’s enough. 

His mother forces him into a dress. 

_Snap._

His father backs out of a planned dinner. 

_Snap._

Rio tugs a skirt up around his legs and calls him cute.

_Snap._

His mother… 

_Snap._

His mother. 

_Snap_. 

His mother! 

_Snap!_

His wrists are red and raw today. If he tries hard enough, they might even bleed. 

He tries not to let that thought excite him. 

Karma tugs at his hair during P.E and it tumbles free in azure curtains that cover his face. The wave of madness crashes over him and be begins to struggle desperately, all his previous plans of attack gone from his mind as the raw fear overwhelms him. Karma grabs his wrist and he can’t help it. He winces and finally pulls it free, cradling it to his chest. His hair falls in his face as he tumbles forward. His knees meet the ground hard but all he feels is the pain coming from his wrist. Karma’s eyes widen in rarely shown shock. 

“Sorry,” Nagisa gasps. “My fault.” He tries to get up but Karma gently pushes him back down. 

“Koro-Sensei,” the red-haired teenager calls, because none of them really trust Karasuma all that much at the moment, and because they don’t want to feel weak either, like they can’t be trusted in training.

The octopus like creature is there in a second, tentacles snaking out to examine Nagisa’s wrist. 

They’re both bleeding, the hair ties digging tightly into his skin as blood rises around them. Karma’s painful grab had finally broken the flimsy skin. 

In mere seconds the hair ties are gone and smooth gauze take their place. There is a slight stinging which indicates Koro-Sensei had dripped some sort of antibacterial liquid onto the wounds before he’d wrapped them up. The tentacles then pull his hair back into their signature bunches. The ever increasing white wash of panic recedes and he can breathe again. 

“Sorry Nagisa-Kun,” Karma says but his expression is thoughtful. 

“Be more careful,” Koro-Sensei chides. “I can’t have my precious students getting hurt.” He drops the bloody hair ties into Nagisa’s cupped hands and gives him what he supposes is a glare.

“Everything alright over there?” Karasuma calls over and Nagisa nods, adjusting himself. 

“Just a slight injury.” Karma’s voice is light but his eyes create a terrifying contrast as he stares Nagisa down. “Someone’s just being a little too careless with himself.” 

Nagisa winces. 

“Just forget about it,” he gets back up awkwardly and heads back over to the school, intending to sit on the steps and watch the rest of training. Now that the hair ties aren’t there, keeping his wrists numb and tingly, the pain is starting to set in. He’s surprised by how much it hurts. 

He’s surprised by how much he likes it. 

“No.” Karama says firmly and Nagisa halts in surprise.

“It’s fine.” He insists, starting to walk again and plonking himself down on the steps. “It’s not your fault.” 

“I know that.” Karma follows. “It’s your fault.” 

Nagisa’s mouth falls open. His hands loosen unwillingly and the hair ties hit the ground. Of course it’s his fault. But…he can’t say he doesn’t like the pain, can’t say he doesn’t like the way it’s grounding him.

“I know it’s my fault.” He says lightly. “It doesn’t matter anyway.” 

“Of course it matters.” Karma continues to stand over him, staring at him with those dark, dark eyes. “The perfect assassin doesn’t hurt himself. He hurts others.”

“Well then maybe I’m not the perfect assassin.” Nagisa snaps before he can stop himself. Karma’s eyes light up triumphantly at this.

“Nope, far from it.” He snickers. 

“Just go back to training.” Nagisa reaches up absently and pats one of his ponytails. He has a feeling his mum’s going to be annoyed about the bandages around his wrists, ruining the image of a perfect delicate girl. 

“Tell me why first.” Karma demands, nodding at his wrists.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Nagisa turns his head away. He can already feel the pain now, the hands ripping into his hair harshly.

“So what,” Karma laughs. “That’s not a reason to not tell me.”

“It just helps, alright.” Nagisa chooses his words carefully. “It grounds me, stops me from driving myself mad.” 

“I think we’re all mad here.” Karma cocks his head to the side, smile as eerie as always. Nagisa finds it strangely comforting. “And I think we all have ways to convince ourselves we’re normal. Yours is just a little…self-destructive.” He laughs to himself. Nagisa gives him a flat look. 

“You jumped off a cliff.” He reminds his friend.

“So I did.” Karma grinned. “But the difference is, that was an assassination attempt. As far as I can tell, strangling your wrists has no benefit whatsoever.” 

“You can’t strangle wrists.” Nagisa frowns. 

“Well you’re giving it your best shot.” Karma kicks at one of the bloodstained hair ties. “Perhaps,” it’s here that his voice drops, his eyebrows furrow and his smile slips away. “Perhaps tomorrow you can wear some looser hair ties.” 

“Perhaps,” Nagisa hums. 

The conversation ends. Karma trots away to resume P.E. Koro-Sensei blurs into shape beside Nagisa, smile wide as wide as ever as he examines the carefully wrapped bandages. Nagisa can’t help but wince from the sharp pain even though Koro-Sensei is being as gentle as he can.

“You should listen to Karma-Kun.” The teacher pats Nagisa on the head after he finishes his examination. “But more importantly, you should listen to yourself. What are you feeling right now?” 

Nagisa frowns. What is he feeling right now? He’s feeling…apprehensive, nervous, hurt, scared and yet…happy. Happy because Karma cared enough to try and help him. Happy because Karma didn’t scorn him. Happy because his teacher is there beside him. He tells Koro-Sensei this and watches the teacher vibrate excitedly. 

“I look forward to seeing you tomorrow Nagisa-Kun.” He cackles.

“I…yeah,” Nagisa gazes over the training field and smiles to himself. He pictures his mothers, eyes wide as she grabs his wrist tightly. He pictures the packet of hair ties on his desk, innocently begging him to put them on. Tomorrow…well he’d just have to take it however it comes. 

  


  


  


  


The next day he’s supporting a bruise on his wrist shaped just like a handprint, just above his bandages. His smile is soft but it’s there and that’s all that matters. 

Around his wrists are two hair ties. They’re just not as tight this time.

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched all of Assassination Classroom in like, two days and had to write something for it. I cried a lot because I'm a sap and then wrote this. Hope you enjoyed!


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